Silence has never been my virtue. I am more a dreamer than a thinker. And when I was asked to embrace loneliness, it was hellish. Six years now, and still counting. Failures are not new. Infact success would have been very new as I have been facing rejections, shame, fear, loss and only pain for the longest time as far as I can recall. So when the VISA got delayed by 20 days, I was not worried. Usually when things go wrong, I scream, cry and many times wail out loud. But this time, I was calm. Not because I was getting anger management courses, but because of the faith in GOD that I have developed in the past one year and the strongest belied on Karma. I know it sounds ridiculous. Yet, I was beginning to believe that even the smallest of the actions are Karma. I started donating to charity more than was expected out of me. I started prayers feverishly every day and chanted slokams with the maximum possible concentration.

The planetey position is very much in your favour, almost all the astrologers said. The long penance is coming to an end. You are very close to reaching the fullest happiness in your life. You are going to be very content and successful, they claimed. I started to believe them. I prayed even harder. Maybe the six year long pain is finally going to end and maybe life is indeed going to be fulfilling. The delay in VISA, the case everything signalled something to me. I was hoping. Waiting. I kept waiting for something. Or to be honest, SOMEONE.

May be this whole cruel experience is indeed over and the so called vasantha kalam is on its way. I do deserve something, I thought. Maybe the lone shoppings, lonely nights, lone dinners, lone movies, lone banking, lone walking, lone crying, lone laughing, lone ambitions, lone failures, lone embarrassment is indeed coming to an end. Maybe this time, I don’t have to struggle with my heavy baggage in the airport baggage collection center. Maybe this time, I don’t have to hide myself under the bed for the Diwali festival happening in the community center. Maybe this time, I can have someone to talk to about my deepest fears. Maybe this time, I have someone’s name as the nominee in my bank account. Maybe this time, I don’t have to check for single accommodation. Maybe this time I can plan a trip to Paris and finally tell the Eiffel that I am not alone. I remember the last time when I swore not to see her alone ever. Maybe this time the bridge holidays might be fun with my SOMEONE instead of me crying incessantly over the brutal past. Maybe this year, I will have a birthday to celebrate. Maybe this year I can plan my pension days.

 

Well, the longer the VISA was getting delayed, the longer I was getting restless. This time I sure am not taking the flight alone, I thought. I hoped. And I so strongly believed. But looks like it is the other way round.

What should have been a scream of celebration turned out to be a disappointment. When the VISA finally arrived on Monday and after the painstaking efforts to get my stamping done asap, I finally had the sinking feeling that all the Maybe’s have not turned into a reality. I loathed my VISA officer. I had to search for an accommodation. Again a single one. I have to fly alone. And the pain that I am facing for over 4 years now owing to my eyes is going to be become an insult. It is only going to decrease my already rock bottom confidence. It is going to shatter me. It is only going to tell me that I am the biggest failure model of all times. No matter however hard I try to stop expecting anything, I can only say that it has not been possible. And this time, the expectation is still very high. I have to pack now. Yet, I refuse to accept that things are not going to rough and painful again. Agreed I am more than happy to run away from this place, yet I am not running to a peaceful place forget about being  happy.

 

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